experiments in self-expression I/independence

About eight months have passed since I realized that marriage is optional. As in, I have a choice: I could make this obscene commitment to one man, to live with him and coordinate the logistics of our lives and raise mutually produced offspring (my God). I could do this, and be forever bound to a lifestyle of sharing. It would be a life of details and other people and structure (but probably - most definitely - not suburbia).

Really, it's the husband that scares me most. I've had my share of experiments in eternal companionship and while I suppose it's lovely to exist in a state of mutual dependence it's just not something I want. I have gained infinitely more from being alone, from making my own mistakes and then fixing them, and most of all from making spontaneous decisions based on a sudden emotional or spiritual drive. Yes, I have those, too. And damn they're powerful when you run with them.

So marriage would be like harping on a perpetual escape route toward independence. Because I love solitude. Too much. My love for solitude is simply incompatible with marriage. Marriage, in my head, is sort of like saying, "Sorry Rebecca, your life is over now."

Well, once I figured out this bit of twenty-first century feminism, I jumped on my revelation and implemented it directly and without much thought into my way of life. I am independent. Always will be. No man, no friend, no family needed. I can do it. Alone.

So for these past eight months, I've tried really hard yo be alone, because thats where I (think I) want to be. Perhaps to some on the surface I have appeared to be alone. Fiercely. I have refused openly any notion of a significant other--which has morphed into an absurd phobia of emotional investment in any single person, something I now realize is ridiculous and inhibitive. I remember turning to my roommate at some point this year, disturbed and slightly panicked, and demanded,

"Where are my platonic friendships?!?!"

It's like that. independence comes in several forms, none of which spare the necessary positive components of confidence and character. I have always aspired to maintain a state of independence in a serious way; dependence would be like surrender. But holding fast to a foggy perception of empowerment does not by default grant the peace of mind and steady flow of positive energy that a healthy form of independence demands. Marriage remains a way of life in which people can opt to partake - or not. Time will tell whether my chosen form of independence will be able to cooperate with a spouse. until then, I will continuously develop my independence and by that I mean put serious work into it. My personality, my entire being cannot afford to sacrifice trust in others to serve an unhealthy obsession with the self, regardless of the progress made in developing qualities of confidence and character. This is just the beginning. so is everyday. we are all assigned by nature to embark on a perpetual search for our independent selves. step one is to do the things that make us happy. if you don't know what those are, how will anybody know - especially your spouse.

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